Rocky Madness!
by Jennifer Ever Zero
Summary: Ness, Paula, Jeff, and Poo's latest adventure teams them up with Picky and sends them to a strange new land! Jeff shows his gutsy side, Paula's prayers are answered, and Poo reveals an alter-ego! Commentary by Brick Road.


Earthbound: Rocky Madness!

By Zero

Commentary by Brick Road

What a wonderful day! Ness woke up with a smile, just in time for Saturday Morning cartoons; he opened the Mint-flavored window to let the fresh beautiful air inside, and changed out of his white-and-blue striped jammies. He reached under his bed and grabbed the brand-shiny-new-sparklin' Sosa Bat that Tracy gave him for his birthday, and with a whistle on his lips, skipped downstairs. He was going to play baseball with Jeff and Paula today, and Poo would be there too (of course, being from Dalaam, he didn't know how to play--Ness would just make him play catcher). He plopped down in front of the TV right as Exo Squad started!

"Wow! DeLeon got a new E-Frame! That one's rad!" Ness munched down a slice of Pizza, his mother's best recipe, and made sure to feed a piece of the crust to the dog. Not too long after the episode ended, he heard a knock on the door....

"Paula!!" Ness ran to the door, expecting the cute little girl.

"Not quite! It's me, Picky." He looked up at the shaggy-haired blond kid at the door.

"Picky...what are you doing here? Pokey's in trouble again, isn't he?"

"Yeah...BIG trouble! He stole Dr. Andonuts' Dimensional Matter Passport Warper, and now he's gone! I'm gonna be dead meat when I get home..."

Suddenly, Paula poked her head out from behind Picky's back. "Picky? ... What's going on?"

"Pokey's gone!" Picky started to walk away sadly. "Dad's gonna *kill* me..."

"Paula...you think we should go get him?" Ness sounded a little down.

"Well, we have to help Picky out. But let's wait for Jeff and Poo, this sounds a little dangerous."

Ness called out the door, "Wait, Picky! We'll help! But get your Karate Suit, you're coming with us!"

(Picky has a Karate Suit? Hell's Bells, he does now...--Brick Road)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ness, Paula, Poo, Jeff, and Picky stood in Pokey's bedroom, in front of a small glass dome with the words "Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here" etched across the top. Smaller letters on the side proclaimed the machine an "Andonuts Brand Dimensional Matter Passport Warper". Picky stuck his hand inside, pulling it back quickly.

"Feels wierd!" He shook his hand out. "It's cold in there...almost like fresh mountain air."

"Well, only one thing to do," said Ness, "Let's go!"

"Wait, let me say a prayer first..." Paula kneeled down, folding her hands so angelically. "Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub. Amen."

"Touching." Jeff pulled out his Paintball Gun and looked to Ness.

Ness stuck his hand in the transporter and smiled. "Pokey, like it or not, we're coming to get you!"

(Fresh Mountain Air might be stretching it just a bit. --Brick Road)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"What is this place?" The kids stood on a crowded sidewalk, surrounded by tall buildings and rich stinking yuppies. Hundreds of cars sped by, but (strangely enough) none of them attacked. A horse-drawn carriage rolled by carrying two people and a dog. The tallest tower, a shiny black building, said "Qwest" on the side. One of the buildings was shaped like a cash register, and there were stores of every kind lining the sidewalks. The sun was almost down, and a crescent moon hung just above the buildings.

"I think we're in Fourside," Poo said, "big buildings and lots of people."

"No, it's too dark to be Fourside. I think we're in Moonside! But which one is the Monotoli building?" Jeff edged closer to Ness, cocking his Paintball Gun.

Paula, the only one willing to ask directions, walked up to a Friendly Freeloader sitting on the sidewalk. She dropped a dollar in his can and smiled a sweet little smile. "Excuse me, are we in Fourside or Moonside?"

"You mean East Side or West Side? You're in Denver, homey."

"Denver?" Paula turned back to Ness. "Guys, we're in ... Denver!"

"Yep, Denver. Denver, Colorado, in the good ol' US of A."

"Ok...thanks!" She walked back, gathering the guys in a little huddle. "We're in Denver, Colorado, in the USA. How are we *ever* gonna find Pokey if we don't know how to get around here?"

Picky dug around in his pockets. "I've tried this before, and I-kid-you-not, it works. Anybody got a Pig Nose?"

Ness and Jeff couldn't hold back a laugh, but Poo obediently held out a Pig Nose. 

Picky pulled the nose onto his face. "It works. He eats so many truffles, the Pig Nose can find him from ten miles away! And since he only disappeared an hour ago, I doubt he's gotten ten miles..." As the nose picked up a scent, Picky ran down the street! "Guys! This way!"

(Down 16th, left on Market, right on Speer... --Brick Road)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

After twenty minutes of hard running, the kids were in front of a large amusement park. They stared in wonder...all except for Picky, whose Pig Nose was pulling his head to the left.

"This is so...COOL!", Ness exclaimed.

"The bright lights...shiny...I will meditate on them." Poo closed his eyes, crossed his legs, and floated.

"… … … …"

Suddenly, his concentration was broken! He fell to the ground, landing right on his butt!

"There's something almost...supernatural...about the way that boy was meditating..." A man in a blue suit stood menacingly behind the children.

*The Mysterious Secret Agent wants to fight! The Mysterious Secret Agent attacks!* The Mysterious Secret Agent used PSI Paranoia!

"Ouch!" 133 HP Damage to Ness -- 145 HP Damage to Paula -- 84 HP Damage to Picky

*Ness attacks!* 256 HP Damage to The Mysterious Secret Agent!

*The Mysterious Secret Agent called for help!* The Bitchy Secret Agent joins the battle.

*Jeff added a Packet of C4 to the Mysterious Secret Agent's stuff.*

*The Bitchy Secret Agent said something with lots of big words!*Ness' guts fell by 2 - Jeff's guts rose by 7

*The Mysterious Secret Agent ate a Hamburger.* The Packet of C4 sprinkled on the Hamburger.

*Ka-BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!* 709 points of mortal damage to the Mysterious Secret Agent! 666 points of mortal damage to the Bitchy Secret Agent! The Mysterious Secret Agent fainted! The Bitchy Secret Agent fainted!

(C4 tastes like garlic salt --Brick Road)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"What was that?!" Picky stood behind the group, shaking.

"Just a little concoction I whipped up...", Jeff beamed.

"Yoink!" Poo walked up to the Secret Agents, taking their badges out of their pockets. "Fox Mulder? Dana Scully? Man, people in Denver have weird names." He put the badges in his pocket with a shrug.

Picky was already a few yards ahead of them, being dragged by the Pig's Nose. Ness, Paula, Jeff, and Poo ran to catch up, as Picky was attempting a perilous dash across Colfax Avenue. He looked both ways...twice...then held his arms out and took off like a rocket! "Kiiiiiiiiiin!!" The others chased after him, almost being hit by an RTD bus. Picky just kept on running, into a parking lot. As a Smack Addict and a Dirty Hoe tried to approach Picky, Ness waved his bat threateningly. They decided they'd better just leave the kids alone...

"Experience helps." Ness proudly strutted behind Picky, using his bat as a cane. They walked through the parking lot up to the door of a *huge* stadium. Picky's Pig Nose was banging against the wall, sniffing and sniffing. "Picky...is it saying that Pokey's inside?"

"Yeah."

"But how will we get inside?" Jeff pointed to a sign on the gate that says "No Admission without Ticket."

Picky pouted, the nose still banging his head on the wall.

Paula looked through the bars...not even she's small enough to fit.

Jeff, wondering if he can pick the lock, couldn't even reach halfway up to the padlock around the gate.

Ness, looking hopeless, shook his bat, but knows that it can't break the door down.

"Step aside, amigos," Poo exclaimed as he pushed all four of them away, "this looks like a job for the ANTI-CHRIST!" He closed his eyes and spread his arms, taking a few steps back. "Three...two...one...FLY!" As if he was being pushed by an invisible hand, Poo zoomed toward the wall--avoiding the gate altogether. "Hail Satan!" -- *SMAAAAAAAASH!!* There was a nice-sized hole in the wall, and Poo was laying on a heap in the ground. He weakly whispered, "You da man, O Dark Prince." Then...he was gone. A little Poo Angel took his place in line as the party entered the stadium.

(Poo Angel? Is that like a Snow Angel? Yuck. --Brick Road)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

****

"Sakic wins the face-off, taking the puck down the ice, pass to Deadmarsh, pass to Forsberg, back to Sakic, no, intercepted by LeMieux, taken back by Borque, pass to Deadmarsh...the Avs are relying very heavily on passing, moving the puck all over the ice, which they are very comfortable with here in the Pepsi Center...icing call on New Jersey."

"What did he just say?" Paula cocked her pretty little head.

"I dunno. What *is* this?", Jeff asked. "And how do we get back, without knowing where my dad's machine is?"

Picky smirked. "Pokey's probably got it. Knowing him, he'll probably try to sell it to a Crack Whore or a Friendly Freeloader, make millions of dollars, and take over the city."

****

"What's this? Martin Brodeur is heading back to the bench! He is being replaced by...Number 00, Pokey? Sakic wins the face-off again, puck stolen by LeMieux--Claude LeMieux is on fire tonight!--taking it to the crease, he shoots, saved by Roy! The Colorado Avalanche playing very well tonight...Gonzales shoots, saved by Roy, LeMieux again, saved by Roy, Roy is out of the crease, playing the puck--like always--Roy sends it down the ice to Deadmarsh, he shoots, blocked by Pokey, shot by Ozolinsh, saved by Pokey, Deadmarsh got it, pass to Borque, shot by Borque, and SCOOORRRE! Right between Pokey's fat little legs!"

(Patrick Roy is God. --Brick Road)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"All right! Go Borque!" Ness jumped up and down, cheering with the rest of them. The red light lit up the ice, and the fans waved their blue, white, and maroon pom-poms wildly.

"How do we get Pokey?", asked Picky, holding back a laugh at his brother's failure. "We do need to get back tonight, remember?"

"Well, we can go to the bench and ask that Brodeur guy to get Pokey off the ice." Paula started heading down toward the New Jersey Devils' bench.

"He probably won't do it without a fight!" Jeff rummaged around in Poo's stuff, pulling out a can of Sacred Dalaamese Whoop-Ass. Jeff drank the Whoop-Ass! Amazingly, Jeff's guts rose by 6542! "Holy crap!" Jeff ran circles around the others, knocking them down every which way. "Look at me, I'm Romo!"

"Come on, move it or lose it!" Pulling himself up, Ness flipped his baseball hat around backwards. The party marched themselves over to the Jersey bench, where Martin Brodeur gave them the strangest look. Ness smiled and waved.

"Vut ahh yew doin' heah?" Brodeur stood to shoo them away, trying to intimidate him with his silly French-Canadian-Martian accent.

"My name is Picky," Picky said, "and my big brother is on the ice where *you* should be. We're far from home, and we need to be back for dinner, so will you please let us through?"

"Yoah big bruddah?"

"Yeah, Pokey, the kid in front of your net." 

"POKEY'S A KID?! WHAT??!!" Brodeur's eyes bugged out, and he screamed bad words. Paula's guts fell by 1. 

****

"Shot by Modano, saved by Roy. Matvichuk, saved by Roy. Back to Gonzales, saved by Roy, and he hangs on to it. But what? Adam Foote is down at the Devils' end zone--I mean crease--with a saw! Martin Brodeur is back on the ice, telling Pokey to get back to the bench...Pokey will not do it! Pokey swings, Brodeur strangles him, Foote still sawing away at the ice--This will definitely put the Devils in a Power Play--OH NO!! Brodeur and Pokey have fallen through the ice!

(Attempted murder gets you five minutes in the penalty box. --Brick Road)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Hey, Frenchie! Get up so the Zamboni can get through!" Paula leaned over the hole in the ice where Brodeur was groping wildly for an edge. She looked down as far as she could see, but couldn't find Pokey.

****

**crack**

"What was that?! Ness jumped up on the bench, between two big, menacing hockey players.

**crack—crack**

"I dunno, Ness…but it doesn't sound good." Picky was on guard.

**crack-crack-Crack-CRACK!!!**

"Eeeeeek!!! It's KRACKEN!!" Paula whipped out two frying pans, one in each hand! The Kracken roared menacingly, and the kids ran behind its back to the Avs' side of the ice. Slowly, Pokey climbed up onto Kracken's head, waving his fat little middle fingers in the air.

*Kracken and Pokey want to fight!*

*Kracken lunged forward!* SMAAAAAASH!! 351 points damage to Ness!

*Paula began to pray.* "O holy father who aren't in heaven, just humor me and pretend you exist. Amen." *A gentle white light washed over the group. Ness found inner peace. Paula found inner peace. Poo found inner peace. Picky found inner peace. Jeff's guts rose by 799.*

*Picky called for help! Patrick Roy joined the battle.*

*Pokey attacks! Pokey used a Mega Lightning Tazer! It didn't hit anyone! It didn't hit anyone!*

*Ness attacks! Ness used PSI Rockin Zeta!* * K A B L O O E Y * 145 points damage to Pokey! 13 points damage to Kracken!

*Jeff attacks!* SMAAAAAASH! **SMAAAAAAAAASH!** KA-fuckin'-BOOOOM! **POW!** BIFF! SMAAAAASH!! Oh, baby! SMAAAAAASH!! **BANG-BANG!** *POW!* Sweet! SMAAAAAASH! That rocks! **BAM BAM BAM BOOOOOOOM!** SMAAAAAASHing!! 2994 points of mortal damage to Pokey!! 167 points damage to Kracken.

*That didn't hurt, you just pissed him off.*

*Kracken attacks! Kracken lifted his tail and farted!* Paula could not stop crying! Jeff could not stop crying! Poo could not stop crying! Picky could not stop crying!

*Paula began to pray.* "Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice! Amen." *Suddenly, Paula grew two extra black-and-white striped arms and choked Kracken!* 4 points damage to Kracken!

*Patrick Roy is on guard.*

*Ness attacks! 366 points damage to Kracken!*

*Kracken attacks! 198 points damage to Picky!*

*Patrick Roy attacks! Patrick Roy used PSI Avalanche!* ~~Whooooooooosh!~~ 3769 points damage to Kracken! Kracken is frozen solid!

*Jeff ate a Methedrine Pill.* Jeff's guts rose by 914!

Kracken is frozen solid!

*Picky used PSI Sho-Ryu-Reppa!* 2 Points damage to Kracken!

*Paula began to pray.* "Praise the Lord and pass the ammo. Amen." Ness got a Super Bomb! Paula got a Stick of Dynamite! Poo got a Rail Gun! Picky got an Atomic Bazooka! Patrick Roy got the Stanley Cup! Jeff's guts rose by 3147!

*Jeff **thinks** about attacking Kracken!* 679 points damage to Kracken!

Kracken is able to move!

*Patrick Roy attacks!* Patrick Roy uses the Stanley Cup! Suddenly, the angels up on high sing a song. "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!" **SMAAAAAAASH!** 9067 points mortal damage to Kracken! Kracken sinks into the sea!

****

YOU WON!

(Jeff's guts rating is a cool 10500. –Brick Road)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Sweet!"

"That rocks!"

"Oh, Baby!"

"Zat's why you don' mess wit' the Colorado Avalanche!" As they cheered and celebrated, a very wet and very angry Pokey crawled out of the ice.

"Hey, Pig's Butt! Butt out! Go home!" He was jumping around, ranting and raving.

Paula put on her best happy face. "Would you like some Cheesy Poofs? Or cookie-dings? And I have truffles…."

"Truffles! Sweet!" Pokey made a run for Paula's backpack! Paula ran back to the locker room, covering her eyes when she saw all those boys with no clothes on.

"Paula! In the back of the locker room! There's my dad's Warper!" Jeff ran behind Paula, stopping (no doubt, because of his high Guts) to slap Claude LeMieux on the butt and congratulate him.

"Sweet!" Ness made a baseball slide into the Warper! Paula dived in head-first, with Pokey hot on her tail! Jeff attempted a (very Gutsy) double-back-handspring-cartwheel-double-twist-back-tuck into the Warper…and he made it! Finally, the Poo Angel floated into the Warper, bowing his head. As they felt the warm, happy air of Onett surround them, they heard a *clunk* in the warper…but they paid it no mind.

(Bbbrrbbbbrbbrbrb….I'm driving a Zamboni. –Brick Road)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Back in Onett, the sun was just setting. Tired, but happy (except for Pokey), they parted ways. Paula went to the Bus Stop to go back to Polestar Preschool, where the kids were having a slumber party. Ness went home, craving some of his mom's Pizza. Jeff went home with Ness for a sleepover, carrying the cumbersome machine with him. Poo spent the night in the hospital, in a drug-induced meditative coma. But what became of the other one who went into the warper? Patrick Roy, still in his uniform, took a look around.

"Where am I? I know it's not Denver…maybe I'm in Englewood!"

****

As it ends, so it begins.

Fin.


End file.
